Do you ever have days where your brain feels like there’s an assembly of grade school going on?
I woke up this morning with a chorus line of doubters all trying to get my attention.
All you need to do is this, and then everything will be fine. Smarten up Beth, you need to be doing more. Oh my god, what have I done? Well, I did that and it still didn’t work. See, I told you. (Get the picture?)
As I write out what’s happening inside, I get emotional. You see, these are really old voices I met when I was a little girl.
My Kindergarten teacher wrote that I tended to be bossy on my report card. I wonder if she realized the impact those words had on my whole life? Who likes to be told they’re bossy?
Being just a little girl, I believed that I was too much & I started to watch others reactions to who I was. And, it didn’t stop in my childhood. I became super sensitive & perceptive to how others behaved around me.
It’s so exhausting spending your life worrying about what others think just to be loved & accepted.
Full disclosure, this is how I work things out sometimes. I journal and give myself permission to hear what my doubter has to say. I’ve learned that when I try to ignore her, she doesn’t go away. She just gets louder in order to get my attention.
I would love to know if you’ve discovered ways to listen to all the voices in your head.
The movie Inside Out by Disney was brilliant. It so beautifully demonstrated how our emotions work on the inside.
I love the images that Disney came up with for some of the voices. I had anger, disgust & fear having at it, with joy trying to be optimistic and get it done. There was nothing joyful about it.
Fear has a voice; in fact it has a whole personality, complete with a face & body. If I were to describe my fear, it would have millions of little hairs that were like feelers. They would always be feeling for the dangerous situations or people that could hurt me. Kind of like a centipede.
So, who are these voices & what are they trying to say?
Much like the movies emotional control centre, we have a place inside us that gets alerted when something’s amiss. I like to think of it in my heart space instead of my brain.
I met fear at the end of kindergarten. He came to protect me from being told bad things about me. If I behaved & wasn’t too much then people would like me & I wouldn’t feel so alone. I don’t remember when I met anger. Anger scared me; it wasn’t safe to feel anger.
All along, I had joy being the optimistic one. She was my cheerleader. If you’d just be happy, then they’ll love you. If you’d just go along with everyone, then you won’t stick out.
It got really loud inside until the day I met my disgust. She took over & shut everyone else down. I had a reputation for a killer eye roll. I could out eye-roll anyone. For me, she was the place of no return. I like how Disney’s image has her with crossed arms. She’s not listening to nobody anymore. (Sorry Mom)
What I didn’t realize was by not listening to anybody, I also wasn’t listening to me.
Take a minute now, get still & listen. What does your heart want you to know?
As I get quiet & listen to my voices, I realize that the little girl inside me is still scared.
IT’S OK TO BE SCARED.
The thing I feared the most wasn’t the emotion, it was that I was doing or feeling something wrong.
It’s so liberating to know that. I get to be scared. I get to be angry. I get to be joyful. I get to be happy. I get to be whatever the fuck I want.
Denying what I’m feeling only denies me of choice.
What are you denying yourself of?
Try something different today, own it, feel it. I promise something will shift.
Would you like to take a tour of what’s inside you? I would love to accompany you on the journey. I’M READY!