I’m at the gym, in the squat rack with 45lbs on my back. I don’t really want to squat, but I have to because it’s the ONLY way for me to loose weight and get healthier, right? My 1st set is kinda ugly, I’m leaning too far forward. My inside voice keeps thinking, why is this so hard still? I don’t get it. I put the bar back on the rack.
Ok Jason! (He’s my trainer) I ask him, (I think this is the 3rd time since last September). Do I have to do this in order to get to where I want? “No, Beth.” “For some reason, you keep wanting to go back to body building, so I create your program, based on what you want.”
Shit…….It suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.
I’m stuck in a story of something that was true over 10 years ago.
When I lost my weight in 2005, I did it by falling in love with body building. I was good at it too! I felt so alive lifting weights. I could go out & run 10k barely breaking a sweat.
I want that feeling again….. That’s what I keep telling myself. But do I really?
I was in the gym 6 days a week, usually for 1.5 hours at a time. I counted every ounce of food that went into my mouth. Oh, the spreadsheets that I could show you. I could alter my diet with the click of a key. Traveling meant measuring cottage cheese & almonds & chicken & taking green apples.
Was I really happy?
On the outside, fully clothed, I looked great. I remember one day walking through my company. I had on size 4 white jeans, an amazing shirt & some kick-ass shoes. I looked great, on the outside.
There was a whole different feeling happening on the inside. I was so busy obsessing about my excess skin that I never stopped to marvel & celebrate my success of achieving something I had always dreamed of being.
I had told myself that if only I could loose all my weight, then I’ll be loved. I see that it was another story.
The way to be loved is to love. It begins with me.
Do you see the piling up of stories? They always take us away from us & who we are.
Take one situation in your life & check it out. Maybe it’s that dream job that will be the answer to everything, or how about the relationship with the man that’s going to love you unconditionally.
What’s the story you tell yourself about what “IT” will give you, if you get/achieve “IT?”
Here’s what I decided this week; with the help of my trainer.
My goal is to reverse the Type 2 Diabetes. Exercising for me is all about getting my heart rate up & keeping it elevated. He calls it functional training.
I’m letting go, ok, there’s a bit of resistance, who’s kidding who. I’m willing to learn to let go of a story so I can experience something new. And who knows, maybe the results will be even better than before. Here’s my super power Curiosity again.
It reminds of something a wise man said to me a long time ago.
If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got.
What’s one thing you want to be different in your life? What are you willing to do to make it happen?